Hope
Hope: to want something to happen or to be true, and usually have a good reason to think that it will come to pass.
Yesterday, I finally did something that I had been planning to do for a long time and I mean a loooooong time. For some reason which escapes me continually, I've had a really hard time committing to and initiating this task. I talked about it the other day - meditation.
I meditated. I probably did it wrong. I might have even fallen asleep for a minute. All I know is that I literally escaped somewhere for about 10 minutes and although I felt I could follow my stream of consciousness that entire time, I was definitely NOT focused on my problems. I even spent some time appealing to a higher consciousness which for me, is God. I prayed for about 10 minutes pouring out my desires, hopes and problems asking for help to keep me focused and to lead me in the directions that I needed to go. Then I cleared my head entirely for 20 additional minutes. I had one some very soft yogi-ish music and I just relaxed and thought of an empty playground. Whenever someone or something came onto the playground, I had a handy person walk in and gently guide whatever/whoever it was, off of the playground. This was amazingly effective in clearing my mind. No judgment about what my thoughts were - just gently leading them away for me to address later. I doubt I made this up lol.
I have to say that after this 30 minute meditation, I was quite groggy. It was mid-day and may not have been the most ideal time for me to do this. I might pick a better time, like before I go to bed which is what I plan to do tonight.
The best thing came later however. I decided I'd go through my podcasts and weed out ones that were not serving me, and browse iTunes for ones that might coincide more aptly with my frame of reference right now. I came across several that I think are going to be great. The first one I found was called "Heal Your Hunger" and it is entirely about emotional eating. This woman was able to independently overcome her emotional eating 30 years ago(!), lose her extra weight and is now doing this podcast (and a workshop as well) to help others overcome this huge obstacle. I listened to a couple of the podcasts while I did some chores and I am absolutely hooked. I am considering the workshop as well since I might need all the help I can get.
I also found a podcast called "Run, Selfie, Repeat" and I was inspired to subscribe to it because of all of the motivational pep-talks in there. I just got the gut-feel that it was super-real, for actual people with challenges and not of the big Runner Community that can be a bit intimidating. Trust me, I know this and partly is why I am so intimidated to return to it. No one is more judgy of a pudgy girl running down the street than a Runner. Regardless, it is a goal of mine. I do love to run - the feelings you have while you are running (actually running and not dying) are without compare, and then the feelings of knowing you just ran 4 miles today, you did it yesterday and will do it again tomorrow, are also some of the most empowering feelings one can have. I hope this Podcast will give me the impetus I need to get back to something I truly did love.
Anyway, the whole moral of this post was to say that later in the day after the meditation and after listening to a few podcats from "Heal Your Hunger", I was feeling absolutely on top of the world. I was in my car listening to some old high school music and I actually started to cry because I felt so much joy as I sang. Yes, cheesy but real! Do you realize that I have been dreading nearly every minute of my life for 5 years? To experience real joy for the first time in 5 years nearly caused me to crash. And then I realized that I was feeling hope. REAL hope this time. Not the type of hope that a new diet brings, or that false hope I felt when I ordered that stupid Garcinia or whatever it was called (that seriously folks, was a nightmare to cancel the trial - ended up just cancelling my credit card - that trial period was the worst scam ever!!!). I felt honest, real hope for a better situation in my life and for the first time ever, I knew that the road I'm on is not impossible. I felt like someone had just reached out and pulled me up out of a hole even if it is temporary. Don't ask me what combination of events happened today that conspired to improve my outlook because I'm literally flying by the seat of my pants. But whatever it was, I'm going to do it again today. And that's all I can do!
